He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
