Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize