my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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