After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
