you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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