i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
