the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
