the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
