So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
