It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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