My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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