I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm drive I can fine osifer
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
