Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
