I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
