apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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