So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
