You smell like a Billy Joel song
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
