i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize