it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
