I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
