I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
