I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
