What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
where are you?
Hypothermia
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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