dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
