my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize