Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
