the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize