That's intense
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
