i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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