1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize