my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
