her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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