Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
