Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
