I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
