she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
