I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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