Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize