I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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