how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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