Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
