I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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