can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
