I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
