I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
