I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
