We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
