when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
