i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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