Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
