I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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