is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
