The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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