I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
