My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
