God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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