Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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