apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
