Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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