My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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