we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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