i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
